That was the question I heard in the depths of my being as the reality of finding myself in another unfulfilling job sunk in, for what seemed like the umpteenth time (cue the eye roll). This was supposed to be my dream job.
Interesting to note, I’ve had several what-were-supposed-to-be-my-dream-job jobs, all in the fire service, because that was my calling…or so I thought.
Fire Service Life
My years in the fire service here in Ontario were absolutely some of my best work professionally*, my greatest experiences, my most powerful — and equally painful — memories, my deepest scars and my deeply humbling moments of witnessing, over and over again, the fragility of life. *(My two daughters are ,and will always be, my best work.)
I saw my highest highs of my professional career and my lowest lows. The fire service was the one thing that had been consistent in my normally inconsistent life. Twenty-seven years it had been a part of my 46 year life. It outlasted the jobs I had outside the fire service (when I was a volunteer firefighter), it was longer than my first marriage, it was there for the birth of my two daughters (not literally thank goodness - heaven forbid I ever needed the assistance of my fellow firefighters to deliver my children! NO ONE wants to see that.) It was there for me as friends came and went, and as life’s big changes occurred.
I also made some of the best friends I’ve ever known within the fire service.
I was fortunate enough in that final “dream job” to travel all over Ontario, meet amazing, dedicated fire service members and discover that for all our differences, we really were all the same at heart.
So what was the problem?
The problem wasn’t the fire service, the problem was me. I made the mistake of thinking that a job would fulfill me, complete me, make me a somebody. My professional starts and stops — of which there were many — were based on an incessant drive to fill an internal void that simply couldn’t be filled by anything external, be it a job, a partner, a new car…you get the idea.
In looking back, I was probably seen as insecure, unsure of what I really wanted, lacked faith in my abilities, lacked confidence and/or was basically “a flight risk”.
I’ve said these same things enough times over the years that I started to believe that I would never be happy and quite likely lacked the ability due to some unfortunate blend of childhood trauma, genetics, chemical imbalances in my brain and faulty wiring.
The silver lining
I had a boss who used to say, “there’s always good with the bad”. Or maybe it was “with the bad comes good”… sorry Jill for messing up the words, but the meaning and relevance stay the same.
The meaning being that there is always something to learn from every experience you go through and that good will undoubtedly follow any struggle.
This I know to be true.
It may not always be obvious during those times of strife, and it may be years before hindsight reaches 20/20, but it will happen. You will see that the best moments, the catalyst for change, the biggest life lessons and most powerful insights came from the worst upheaval.
I call it growing pains.
Moving on
My “how did I end up here again?” moment happened in the fall of 2017, about 14 months into that dream job of mine. I lasted another two months and then walked away from the highest paying, highest profile job my little heart had ever known on December 5.
It wasn’t to go to another fire service job. It wasn’t to go to another job at all and it most definitely wasn’t to continue the pattern of looking beyond myself to fill the void that still remained.
I left that job with little more than a whisper in my soul and a dream in my heart to connect with people in deeper way.
Perhaps not the best way to approach a big life change but I’ve also come to learn that when you demonstrate courage in a moment that has the potential to bring up all of your fears, the universe/spirit/a higher power/your guides/God/karma (whatever you call it), something steps in and supports you.
The here and now
I’ve spent the last two years and two months on an entrepreneurial rollercoaster of highs and lows, of great expansion and freakish contraction, of growth and stagnation, of confidence, self-criticism and judgement and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ve spent more money than I had to begin with, I’ve made good decisions and not-so-good decisions, I’ve learned new skills and talents, leaned on faith when I gave up hope, developed professionally in ways I never could’ve imagined, and more importantly, grew personally by peeling back layer after layer after layer of unworthiness that drove my quest for wholeness to land in this blessed place of knowing — for the first time.
I’ve learned that if you want to know what you’re made of, follow the entrepreneurial path. It’s not for the faint of heart but you will find yourself along its winding journey. It’s a character-builder to be sure.
The good news
If you’re someone who has thought to themselves, “how did I get here again?” (and if you’re still reading this you must be), then I have good news for you.
This could be your a-ha moment in the making.
This may be your turning point.
This is quite possibly your catalyst for change.
The first steps of your giant leap of faith into the unknown and onto the path that will lead you back to you, possibly for the first time since you landed here.
If you’re looking to find yourself in a better place, let’s connect.
